 |
| Supermarket Shopper by Duane Hanson, made in 1970 Hanson seems to have predicted the current obesity problem |
A Modest Proposal
by Ronit L.
There's
no doubt to anyone with eyes that there is clearly a problem with the people
around us. They are all fat. But the solution is in sight. After years of
research and collaborations among food corporations and engineers from all
around the world, the MTMFP (Movement to Move Fat People) has found the answer:
robots.
When
our researchers sat down to find the source of American obesity, the problem
all stemmed from one thing: laziness. People take in so many calories, but they
are too lazy to get moving and burn them off, so we have found a way to get
those bodies in motion. Researchers have found that if people can not get to
food, they can not eat it. Therefore, starting this summer, we will change the
way you shop for food. While all the clothing stores will be preparing their
stores for the fall, we will be remodeling supermarkets to get ready for MTMFP.
Billions of dollars will be going into completely redesigning
supermarkets everywhere. We will replace all the shelves with our newly-designed
“Run-it Rover” © system.
The “Run-it Rover” or RIR for short is a shelf
on wheels. It has internal sensors that allow it to sense when a person is
coming towards it. When the RIR finds someone, it takes off in the other
direction. The RIR is programmed to run away from you until you have burned the
number of calories in the food product the RIR is shelving.
The
bio-engineers here are MTMFP know that not all bodies are created equal. In
order to accommodate people of all shapes and sizes, all the tiles in food
establishments will be replaced by scales. Additionally, laser scanners will
line the walls to gauge people’s height. This way when a person steps close to
a RIR, the RIR receives a message from the scale and the lasers, telling it how
much the person weighs and their BMI. This will allow the RIR to know how far
it has to run. If a person is underweight, the RIR will remain still and allow
them to take their food with almost no calorie loss. But if the RIR see the
person is severely overweight, the RIR will make them run extra hard.
With
this new technology comes the need for space. With everyone running to get
their groceries, there will be a need to expand the aisles to reduce
collisions. This space will be provided by converting hospital buildings into
supermarkets. Doing so will be safe because once people are no longer fat,
obesity-related illnesses will decrease dramatically, thereby eliminating the
need for an abundance of hospitals.
For
all you mothers out there who are thinking, How will I get food for my
children? Don’t worry, we have the answer. When a child is born, he or she will
receive a food card. This food card has a unique bar code, specialized to that
child. The food card will be programmed by your doctor. The doctor will give
the child a certain calorie count for the day, and when you are shopping, you
will be able to flash the food card at the RIR, and the RIR will deliver the
food to you, for no calories!
The
MTMFP has already built prototypes of this model in cities in the midwest and
the results have been phenomenal. One woman reported that she lost fifty pounds
within a month of the RIR’s being in her store. She commented,“This system
works great. If you do not work, you do not eat.” She noted that when she first
encountered the RIR, it was difficult and time- consuming to work out to get
her food, but now the RIR barely has to run from her. “It was a great
self-confidence booster knowing that the RIR stopped running,” said her husband
in agreement. Pediatric offices are also ecstatic about the program. Dr. Mark
Smith, an expert in child obesity in Des Moines, Iowa, said, “Not only is the
RIR great at keeping kids eating the rights amounts of foods, so they avoid
running into problems later in life, it also ensures that the children are
always coming in for appointments to change their calorie count. I’m now able
to closely monitor all my patients’ weights.”
So,
shoppers, get ready for a whole new kind of shopping experience. We, as
Americans, will no longer stand by as our countrymen get fat. Instead, we will
lead them on a bright path to a better future where everyone can be healthy and
thin.
*This ad is sponsored by the World Hunger
movement. Donate today and be part of the movement that will end hunger across
the globe.
